#sorry for this impromptu movie review but i can’t not share my thoughts on what i just witnessed...

[xueyangs-pinky-finger]

oh so i watched cats yesterday...

first of all, we had to pay $16.50 for it bc it’s not available to rent anywhere bc they know this is the kinda thing people only wanna watch one time, so that’s already pretty vomit-inducing...

and you expect the cats to look awful and they do but it’s bad for so many other reasons?? it just fails in every way imaginable...

they didn’t seem to give any thought to the scale of the cats; they’re way too tiny in comparison to the people items we see them with, and the mice are then somehow way smaller to the point where they’re the size of like one cat finger?? and the cockroaches are the same size as the mice?? and that ridiculous ratio isn’t even consistent, like the props and everything are just all over the place. (how come ian mckellen’s coat had such large buttons? they can make cat-sized shoes, but not buttons? not to mention they’re still way too small to be human-sized buttons, so again, the inconsistent scaling... who makes the clothes for cats? why do some cats wear clothes inconsistently but others don’t wear clothes at all? taylor swift was completely naked except for a pair of high heels... why make a cat wear heels... have you ever met a cat! they hate wearing clothes, but shoes are even worse. not to mention she only wore them on her feet and not her hands. why do all these cats walk around on two legs, but then suddenly crawl at random times? why did that one cat hand that magician cat his hat with her mouth when she has two perfectly good hands and the cats have all been using their furless human hands to do things for the entirety of the movie??)

... nor did they seem to give any thought to how catlike these “cats” would be. in fact, it rly seemed like no one on the production crew or in the cast had ever had a cat before. or even interacted with one. or even seen one. which i know isn’t true for taylor at least, so what the hell? the way they moved veered between just regular-ass humans walking on two legs and doing ballet and shit (and do not get me started on the hiphop sequence, dear god, their animated legs moving... 🤢), and spider-man climbing up a wall only they were on the ground. neither made sense, neither were catlike. and why did some cats wear random clothing items while others wore none? some wore just shoes... jennifer or someone wore both a coat and something underneath it with neither covering her boobs at one point, so... what was the point of that outfit? what’s it doing for you at that point? and how come they didn’t give more cats colored contacts or cgi eyes?? only idris elba had cool green eyes, and everyone else just had regular human eyes, mostly just brown. i have three cats, and none of them have brown eyes. in fact, i just looked it up, and no cats have brown or black eyes. and i’m pretty sure miss white kitty victoria should have blue eyes~ (if they were blue, it wasn’t noticeable. idris elba’s eyes were an obvious, intense, clearly fake green, and i wanted more of that honestly.)

it’s so gross in multiple definitions of the word? firstly, there’s the trash scene, which... was just way grosser than it needed to be. & there’s rebel wilson eating human cockroaches, which was also very upsetting to watch and to hear the crunch,,, and the other aspect of it is the sexual energy?? which was just ever-present between every combination of characters, and actually left me confused as to who the main ship (🤮) was supposed to be for a while. why... dear god why... what the fuck were they insinuating lapping up milk in jason derulo’s number in the context of all the girls liking him...

oh that’s another thing. they made sir ian mckellen lap up water or something out of a bowl. it was completely unnecessary and added nothing to the story... so that was A Choice.

twice they had rebel wilson unzip her fucking skin to reveal a show biz outfit underneath, which is horrific enough on its own, but the way there was a huge gap between her chest and the boob cups of her dress?? it’s like okay... you already just let all the female cats have boobs and walk around naked for the entirety of the movie. but letting rebel fill in a dress is too much? that’s where you draw the line?? maybe don’t give her a dress with boob cups then!! it’s just sticking out in front of her and it looked awful... lol speaking of awful. the way they edited their ears through their hats... i’ve seen better work done in catboy edits on tumblr. and if y’all can’t do it then maybe just don’t. just consider not. doing that. it’s like they kept writing themselves into corners or not thinking things through or something. when will you learn that your actions have consequences!!!

they only had the cats show affection one way, and that was by like rubbing their faces together, and i know they did that in the musical too but god it just makes me so uncomfortable... i’d rather they just straight-up made out with their disturbingly human mouths. but it was rly confusing bc you’d see the “main” character victoria do that with her love interest (who was perhaps the most ugly hybrid... he didn’t even look like a human or a cat; he invented a new category and hopefully is the only one in that category forever), so you’re like ‘ok, this is how cats kiss’ or something. but they all do it. victoria did the same thing with dame judi dench! (i rly thought this movie was just gonna end with a big ole orgy, honestly.) so it’s not kissing, it’s more like hugging? but then we literally saw two cats hug each other with their human arms at one point i’m pretty sure... so wtf?!

jennifer hudson always had snot on her face?? like her nose was running, a lot of the time the snot would actually be on her lips, like... that’s the only way they could think of to show her emotions?? sometimes they weren’t even tears, it was literally Just Snot.

the songs weren’t fun at all. they were completely devoid of energy, so to have everyone dance to them didn’t even work or make sense. they’d pause in the middle of songs a lot (e.g. to make jokes about james corden being fat wow so funny hahaha) and ruin any momentum they might’ve otherwise had. a lot of the time they weren’t even singing so much as talking or whispering or chanting with a faint bgm playing over it.

the fatphobia, oh my god. rebel wilson and james corden’s characters only existed for the movie to make jokes about them being fat and eating a lot and have them do awful slapstick.

the main character had no personality at all and didn’t even have her all-important cat name at the end of the movie, which rly shows how much she mattered... yeah she got jennifer hudson sent up into the heavens to either be reborn or just fucking die up there bc how would they know this process actually works? but that’s it. otherwise she just got swept from side character to side character and adapted whatever traits they possessed for the duration of their song.

not only were all the cats way too sexual (i rly think watching actual straight-up porn would be less graphic and disturbing than watching whatever gross fetish this movie exists to cater to), not only did they seemingly make a cum joke (that was the only time they drank milk in the movie! when they were all trying to get with jason derulo! who, btw, is just a nasty person which made it all the more gross to watch), they also... slut-shamed jennifer hudson? and all did drugs, some against their will, in another very uncomfortable, sexually charged sequence. so like what is this movie rated actually and who is it for?? why make a children’s movie with such adult themes? but then, what adult would laugh at james corden being too heavy to get catapulted into the air (followed by him landing on his balls, because humor!)?

taylor swift can’t do a british accent.

lastly, cats have eight nipples. so, to loosely quote danny gonzalez: if you’re gonna give them boobs, at least give them the right amount of boobs.

thus ends my review. please don’t watch this dumpster fire.

(i think this gif clearly shows many of the problems i had with this movie... the sexual energy, the boob cups and shitty cgi, jason derulo... dear god make it stop.)